My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
