I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
only you would photoshop your dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
