you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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