Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's the barista slut.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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