Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
