Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
