Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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