i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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