She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Drake has all the answers
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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