Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
