Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
