pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
