You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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