She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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