He had one of those small greek statue penises
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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