The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
