our cab driver is having phone sex.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you had me at cake vodka
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
