Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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