I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
soo... how was my night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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