I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
