The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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