I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
