If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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