So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
