Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drake has all the answers
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
