why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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