don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
