Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
