Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
