Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
