one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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