last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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