I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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