That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
