i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
