i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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