Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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