what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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