You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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