dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have fence marks all over my body
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
