I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
