Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
