my phone needs a breathalizer
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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