my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
