Betty ford says i'm here all night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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