Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
