I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
