The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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