My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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