At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My ass is underappreciated
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
