Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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