when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
