If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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