I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize