but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
