she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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