A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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