I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
