Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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