I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
