Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
