sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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